planting seeds

Recently my father, brother and I had a very enjoyable, very warm and very entertaining lunch together.

This is an interesting and apparently strange result considering that several years ago I had written off my father and decided not to pursue any further relationship with him. I don't remember the reason why I made that choice, but like many sons, I was very angry at my dad for something that I thought he did to wrong me. It was the same for my brother.

When I announced to my coach that I was "done with my dad", he said basically that he understoond and respected the decision and that I was free at some point in the future to change my mind if I felt like it. He DID NOT say: "attempting to write off a relationship with a parent won't work" or even more directly: "you're wrong". Even though I understand that point, I would have likely dug in my heels and entrenched my position, going into what can best be described as a stubborn and self-righteous "fuck you" mode. No chance of progress in that space.

My dad was left for adoption by very wealthy, aristocratic parents from England, after having been conceived by scandalous means out of wedlock. He was denied his family, his name and much of the fortune due any heir. As a result, the concept of "honour" is a very big concept in my family.

There is a costly downside to honour as a core value. As a family system, we are prone to making severe, self-righteous judgements about each other (and everyone in general). It's easy for any one of us to feel wronged and then make a big drama out of it. The Hanna men are easily entrenched. This is a common issue in many families and teams.

What worked about coach Phil's comment was that he did not activate the self-righteous side of my honour by making me wrong. He acknowledged my choice as one I'm entitled to make and then he simply left some space open for me to change my mind in the future. It took a few years of subtle watering and nurturing for the flower to bloom but it ultimately did bloom and much quicker than it would have had he taken the more adverserial approach of criticizing my position. I softened in time, as did my brother, as did my father. We now have a relationship as father and sons that I think we all wanted but at one time were too hurt and angry to create and nurture. That's the value of a coach.

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